Mad Men Episode 601-602 “The Doorway” Secrets Revealed (kind of, but not really)

I’ve seen it.

The Sixth Season opener of Mad Men? Seen that thing. Twice.

That’s two times, son. A full ten days before it airs on April 7, 2013 on the AMC Network, which is better than only nine days before air.

This may not seem like a big deal to you, oh Big Bang Theory enthusiast, but as a certified Mad Maniac, this excites me so much that I am bursting to talk about it. But, alas, I can’t.

Or can I?

Can I find that mythical “spoilers loophole” that you hear whispered about in the dark corners of the World Wide Web? I’m certainly going to try.

As per usual, the screener DVD for the season premiere episode included a personal letter from creator Matt Weiner (street name: “Shakespeare was a Hack”), with a request to go easy on the spoilers, in particular the following list — these are the big No-No’s that all respected journalists are being asked not to reveal, by the man who makes the sausage:

1. The year the season begins.
2. The status of Don and Megan’s relationship.
3. Whether the agency has expanded to an additional floor
4. New characters
5. New relationships or partnerships

But I am not a respected journalist, I’m more of a “public servant” you might say (I write screenwriting books, you see) so I’ve decided to comment on each on the No-No topics:

1. The episode is set at some point in American history, probably in the 20th century, but, oddly, it’s unclear.
2. Don interacts with Megan, and with at least one other woman. Yes, there is interaction.
3. The agency has or has not expanded to one, two, or ten additional floors. I suppose anything is possible when it comes to the majestic architecture of New York City in The Gilded Age.
4. There are one or more new characters with at least one line of dialogue, and it’s possible that some of that dialogue is metaphorical.
5. There are no new relationships or partnerships of any kind, at all, in fact this is stated explicitly, and rather jarringly, I might add, in an opening text crawl that is animated in the style of those opening title sequences in the Star Wars movies. The words recede into the distance (as a John Williams-esque theme blasts, perhaps Stepmom?), eventually exploding into Jon Hamm’s giant crotch bulge.

There, I said it.

You’re welcome.

Oh, I’m sorry, is that not enough for you, unthankful parasites? Well, suck on these REAL SPOILERS!

• Three of these characters’ grooming styles are different than what you see here…

• Don does not pass himself on the street (as seen in the poster at the top of the page) in the same way his office was never underwater nor did he ever gaze at a naked female mannequin in a store window, a la promotional posters from previous seasons. Again, we’ve been scammed.
• Fashion alert! None of these ladies appear in any of these outfits:

• Kiernan Shipka does not wear aging makeup so as to portray Sally Draper as a chain-smoking barfly in her late thirties. You may have heard the rumors about that. Now you know they’re not true. Blame TMZ.
• Weed is smoked.
• Elisabeth Moss is no longer married to Fred Armisen, who seems awesome but I suspect in real life he’s kind of a Duck Phillips, you know?

• Christina Hendricks is still married to Geoffrey Arend, who was in the movie Devil, which is actually much better than you would imagine a horror movie in an elevator would be.

• This thing about Jon Hamm’s wiener is really getting silly. Speaking of gratuitous displays of anatomy:
• In true Mad Men season opener tradition, there is side boob in the first ten minutes. Whether or not it belongs to Harry Crane, I’m not saying.
• Roger Sterling, as always, is going through some sort of personal crisis and whining about it. Will that lovable silver fox ever be happy?
• The sound mix on this screener copy is pretty lame. I hope it’s temp.

BLAMMO! Truth bombs DROPPED!

And now, with tumbler full of scotch, I shall wait for the inevitable Cease and Desist letter from AMC legal. You can’t ride the edge like this and not expect repercussions.

Yours in Mad Men,

Dan Calvisi

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